| We have this fancy new employee directory web | | | | the other extreme and went the 'I'm Better Than |
| site at work. It's meant to help us find each | | | | You' route:'I came to this company from Harvard |
| other, by showing our office locations, phone | | | | University, where I earned several of my many |
| extensions, and a photo.It is not, I've been told, | | | | Masters degrees. In addition to being a black belt |
| meant to help us find pics and phone numbers of | | | | in karate, jiu jitsu, tae kwon do, and several |
| hot chicks on the floor above us, so we can call | | | | martial arts you roundeyes have never even |
| and giggle at them like an idiot. I've been told this | | | | heard of, I'm also a world champion yodeler, |
| several times, in fact. The last time in writing, | | | | chess grand master, and Nobel Prize laureate. In |
| even. Whatever.Anyway, we've also been | | | | my spare time, I model mens' underwear and |
| encouraged to fill out a 'biography' section for the | | | | maintain a topiary crafted as busts of famous |
| web site. No bunch of nameless and faceless cogs | | | | Danish physicists.'Nice effort, to be sure. But |
| are we -- they want us to learn about each | | | | someone's bound to eventually ask me to break |
| other, to share our interests and goals and | | | | a cinder block in half or trim their hedge to look |
| aspirations.I've tried this 'sharing' thing. And it's not | | | | like Neils Bohr, and the jig would be up. So that |
| working out. I just can't find a bio that screams | | | | wouldn't do, either.I started to think I'd never |
| 'Charlie!' Not in a supportive, unhorrified tone of | | | | have a suitable bio, when an idea finally struck. |
| voice, anyway. My attempts have not gone | | | | What's the point of this bit of personal info, |
| well.First, I tried the 'Employee of the Month' | | | | anyway? It's to encourage people to leave me |
| angle:'I've been working here for a little over two | | | | the hell alone, so I can get some damned work |
| years. My hobbies include filing papers, working | | | | done. Peachy. I know how to do that:'I live in a |
| late, fetching coffee for the boss, and just being | | | | small studio apartment near the office, with my |
| the bestest darned member of 'Team Success' I | | | | nine cats and life-sized cardboard Xena 'action |
| know how to be. Gosh!'No good. I proofread that, | | | | figure' for company. I enjoy collecting stamps, |
| and gave myself a wedgie. I needed something | | | | writing Babylon 5 fanfic, and sorting recyclables |
| more subtle. So I tried the 'Interview-Speak' | | | | into the proper bins. Stop by my cube any time |
| approach:'My tenure of employment in the current | | | | to discuss the inconsistensies in the Skywalker |
| establishement has afforded me the opportunity | | | | clan backstory, the advantages of artifact-heavy |
| to enhance my skill set, tackle technical challenges, | | | | Magic decks, or to trade Dungeon Master |
| and develop a strong interdisciplinary view of our | | | | wardrobe tips. 'Live long and prosper'!Brilliant. And |
| overarching mission as an organization.'Nice. What | | | | only marginally autobiographical. Hey, recycling is |
| does it mean? I have no fricking clue, and I spent | | | | important, dammit!I'm also happy to report I |
| twenty minutes writing it. I think maybe it | | | | haven't had a single person drop by my cubicle to |
| describes the time I figured out the automatic | | | | talk to me since I posted that bio. Even the |
| towel dispenser in the bathroom. I'm not sure. Bet | | | | cleaning staff won't come near it.And if anyone |
| I could land a CIO position with doubletalk bullshit | | | | ever does -- looking for Klingon ringtones or |
| like that some day, though.I decided to go back | | | | DragonBall bumper stickers, no doubt -- I can |
| to basics, with the 'Honesty Is the Best Policy' | | | | always bonk them on the head and ditch them in |
| strategy:'When I'm not working, I enjoy many | | | | a conference room. Who's gonna miss somebody |
| hobbies. You might find me playing volleyball, | | | | like that, eh? It's probably just the CIO, |
| cheering on the Red Sox, or passed out | | | | anyway.Charlie Hatton is an overzealous blogger |
| face-down in a pool of tequila and lemonade | | | | and aspiring standup comedian offering smart, |
| outside my local liquor store. Also, I like boobies. | | | | sophisticated humor about life, language, and the |
| And I wouldn't drink from the coffee pot on the | | | | size of his naughty bits. He writes semi-daily and |
| fourth floor, if I were you. Trust me on this | | | | mostly randomly at Where the Hell Was I? |
| one.'Honesty was never my strong suit. So I tried | | | | |