| We have this fancy new employee directory
| |
| | strong suit. So I tried the other extreme
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| web site at work. It's meant to help us
| |
| | and went the 'I'm Better Than You'
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| find each other, by showing our office
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| | route:'I came to this company from
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| locations, phone extensions, and a
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| | Harvard University, where I earned
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| photo.It is not, I've been told, meant to
| |
| | several of my many Masters degrees. In
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| help us find pics and phone numbers of
| |
| | addition to being a black belt in karate,
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| hot chicks on the floor above us, so we
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| | jiu jitsu, tae kwon do, and several
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| can call and giggle at them like an
| |
| | martial arts you roundeyes have never
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| idiot. I've been told this several times,
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| | even heard of, I'm also a world champion
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| in fact. The last time in writing, even.
| |
| | yodeler, chess grand master, and Nobel
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| Whatever.Anyway, we've also been
| |
| | Prize laureate. In my spare time, I model
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| encouraged to fill out a 'biography'
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| | mens' underwear and maintain a topiary
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| section for the web site. No bunch of
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| | crafted as busts of famous Danish
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| nameless and faceless cogs are we -- they
| |
| | physicists.'Nice effort, to be sure. But
|
| want us to learn about each other, to
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| | someone's bound to eventually ask me to
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| share our interests and goals and
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| | break a cinder block in half or trim
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| aspirations.I've tried this 'sharing'
| |
| | their hedge to look like Neils Bohr, and
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| thing. And it's not working out. I just
| |
| | the jig would be up. So that wouldn't do,
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| can't find a bio that screams 'Charlie!'
| |
| | either.I started to think I'd never have
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| Not in a supportive, unhorrified tone of
| |
| | a suitable bio, when an idea finally
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| voice, anyway. My attempts have not gone
| |
| | struck. What's the point of this bit of
|
| well.First, I tried the 'Employee of the
| |
| | personal info, anyway? It's to encourage
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| Month' angle:'I've been working here for
| |
| | people to leave me the hell alone, so I
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| a little over two years. My hobbies
| |
| | can get some damned work done. Peachy. I
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| include filing papers, working late,
| |
| | know how to do that:'I live in a small
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| fetching coffee for the boss, and just
| |
| | studio apartment near the office, with my
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| being the bestest darned member of 'Team
| |
| | nine cats and life-sized cardboard Xena
|
| Success' I know how to be. Gosh!'No good.
| |
| | 'action figure' for company. I enjoy
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| I proofread that, and gave myself a
| |
| | collecting stamps, writing Babylon 5
|
| wedgie. I needed something more subtle.
| |
| | fanfic, and sorting recyclables into the
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| So I tried the 'Interview-Speak'
| |
| | proper bins. Stop by my cube any time to
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| approach:'My tenure of employment in the
| |
| | discuss the inconsistensies in the
|
| current establishement has afforded me
| |
| | Skywalker clan backstory, the advantages
|
| the opportunity to enhance my skill set,
| |
| | of artifact-heavy Magic decks, or to
|
| tackle technical challenges, and develop
| |
| | trade Dungeon Master wardrobe tips. 'Live
|
| a strong interdisciplinary view of our
| |
| | long and prosper'!Brilliant. And only
|
| overarching mission as an
| |
| | marginally autobiographical. Hey,
|
| organization.'Nice. What does it mean? I
| |
| | recycling is important, dammit!I'm also
|
| have no fricking clue, and I spent twenty
| |
| | happy to report I haven't had a single
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| minutes writing it. I think maybe it
| |
| | person drop by my cubicle to talk to me
|
| describes the time I figured out the
| |
| | since I posted that bio. Even the
|
| automatic towel dispenser in the
| |
| | cleaning staff won't come near it.And if
|
| bathroom. I'm not sure. Bet I could land
| |
| | anyone ever does -- looking for Klingon
|
| a CIO position with doubletalk bullshit
| |
| | ringtones or DragonBall bumper stickers,
|
| like that some day, though.I decided to
| |
| | no doubt -- I can always bonk them on the
|
| go back to basics, with the 'Honesty Is
| |
| | head and ditch them in a conference room.
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| the Best Policy' strategy:'When I'm not
| |
| | Who's gonna miss somebody like that, eh?
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| working, I enjoy many hobbies. You might
| |
| | It's probably just the CIO,
|
| find me playing volleyball, cheering on
| |
| | anyway.Charlie Hatton is an overzealous
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| the Red Sox, or passed out face-down in a
| |
| | blogger and aspiring standup comedian
|
| pool of tequila and lemonade outside my
| |
| | offering smart, sophisticated humor about
|
| local liquor store. Also, I like boobies.
| |
| | life, language, and the size of his
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| And I wouldn't drink from the coffee pot
| |
| | naughty bits. He writes semi-daily and
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| on the fourth floor, if I were you. Trust
| |
| | mostly randomly at Where the Hell Was I?
|
| me on this one.'Honesty was never my
| |
| |
|
